I'm a mess

I started this blog thinking that it would be a fun way to keep everyone up-to-date on my life way out here. It seems to have turned into a place for me to bare my soul, pretending to be anonymous while knowing that friends and family are reading this. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with everyone knowing such unhappy things about me - in person, I try to stay positive even when I'm not feeling it. If my posting unhappy things here bothers you, please let me know.

Basically, I'm in a bad place right now. A place that screams at me to give up on making a life out here and just move back home. A place that has had me crying at work for the last hour.

Don't worry, I'm not hinting that I want to leave my husband or anything drastic like that - I'm just really stressed about money, or rather, the lack thereof. I realized this morning that paying rent is going to pretty much empty all of our accounts. And we still need to pay for food, gas, and some plastic for the apartment windows (it's cold in there!).

Yes, I know it is our own fault - we should have cut back even further on Christmas gifts, we didn't need the New Years Eve junk food, I shouldn't have run up the credit card during college, shouldn't have taken out so many student loans, and we never should have moved downstairs to the larger and more expensive apartment. None of these seemed like a big deal at the time, but I really should have though about how it would turn out. All I can see are the things I should have done differently - I can't see how I should move forward through this.

I don't want handouts - please don't think that's what I'm after. I know there are people out there who are in much worse shape than I am. I was just hoping that maybe you would be willing to pray for me and T. I don't want to ask for money - as nice as it would be, it feels...shallow, somehow. But maybe for reassurance? Guidance? Hope?

Took a leap

It's official - I've opened my Etsy shop! So far there is only one item listed, but don't worry - more are waiting in the wings! I know few - if any - of you are in need of handspun yarn, but I just wanted to brag a little.

Honestly, it's a little nervewracking - even more than the craft shows a few years ago were - but I know that I'll be over the moon if I actually sell something.

If you're interested, my shop is: EvergreenCreations.etsy.com.

Yay!

No more Dracula

I like to think that this weekend made up for the Dracula fiasco - yesterday, T and I were able to go see the Trans-Siberean Orchestra play in Albany. We've wanted to go for a while, but we never heard about it early enough to get tickets (they always sell out early!). We lucked out this year, though, and I have to say - it was well worth the trip.

The first half of the show was basically their "Christmas Eve and other stories" CD, beginning to end, but the lights and the personality of their performers made it much more powerful in person. The second half was "new" stuff - classical music that they have re-purposed and will be releasing on their next album sometime in the future.

If you like TSO, their live concerts are fantastic - but be forewarned, their shows are more rock band than orchestra, with lots of pyrotechnics and laser lights. Way fun, though!

To top off the weekend, I got in to work today to find that our reviews (which we turned in way back in August) have finally been processed. That means that I actually got a raise! This is the first one that I have received, that wasn't state mandated, since I started working 11 years ago. Yay!

Reassurance

Ok, so I ranted and raved, I cried a little, I posted thoughts on here that I don't like to admit to myself, much less to anyone else...and you know what? I feel better. Not great-that will take a while-but better.

Amazingly, the first thing I saw when I logged back in to post this update was the comment on my post about Etsy. Even though the problem that I'm currently having is different, that comment made me feel much better. It made me feel loved.

Even though my dear commenter didn't leave a name ( I have my suspicions about the identity!), I would like to thank them. You never know what the impact of a little thing like that will be - in this case, it was much greater than was intended.

Thanks.

Dark side

Don't want to hear me whining? Don't read this one.


I am a jealous person. I know this - I always have been. I compare myself and my situation to those around me, and usually find myself coming up short. I struggle with this, and I thought I was starting to do better. I can usually seperate my wants from my needs, and I realize how incredibly fortunate I am that my needs are more than met. I've never truly been without anything important. I know this. I don't need the piles of money, though I would like a house of my own. I don't need a new car, though I would like enough money to put new tires on my husband's. I don't need the cool gadget, or the great trip, or any of the material things that I covet.

But how do I squelch the jealousy that comes from seeing my nearest and dearest given the one thing that I have always - all my life - secretly and not-so-secretly desired? The one thing that I would sincerely and joyfully give up everything to have?

How do I shake the anger, the hurt, the jealousy and the fear, how do I put away the silly dreams I built around my desire, in order to be the strong, caring, loving, supportive person I need to be now?

Sorry to be so vague - it's not my story to share at the moment. Some of you know what I'm talking about, some may guess, and some won't care either way. I just need to get this out there, and I can't deal with talking to anyone in person right now.

What do you think?

I've been checking out this cool website for a while: www.etsy.com. It is kinda like EBay, but only for handmade stuff. Some of the work on there is amazing.

So, I've been thinking about putting some of my handspun yarn on there, to see if it sells. But (for some reason) I'm nervous about the whole idea. I mean, what if no one likes it?

So, take a look at the site and let me know - should I try it?

No worse for the wear

As a couple of you know, I wound up taking Gaffney to the vet last night. Not that she was sick...but she had ticks.

I know most people would have just removed them and continued on with their day, rather than driving 30 minutes to the vet and paying for an appointment, but there are two things to consider. 1) Creepy crawlies freak me out. I mean REALLY freak me out. I know they won't really hurt me, but still! 2) This was the first time I've ever seen a tick, and by the time I was done reading about how to remove them I had seen so many warnings (Don't squeeze it, don't leave the head in, kill it quick so it doesn't bite someone else, don't touch it barehanded) that I was even more freaked. The drive and appointment were a small price to pay for peace of mind.

But puppy's fine (I'm not sure she even noticed the tick. She just knows she got to go for a car ride and get treats!), her Lyme vaccine has been updated, and I got this really cool tool for the removal of future ticks! It basically negates all of the warnings I had read. Makes it really easy!

So she's just waiting for her next adventure - see?